It all started when I dragged my butt out of bed and headed to church. The thing weighing my mind was my calling and how it sort of sucks right now because I work with a lady who lectures me frequently on how my piano playing sucks.
Church's dark side: sometimes it just doesn't spiritually lift, even if you need it to.
But there was a lot of uplift in Sacrament meeting, particularly the story of little Isca saying, "Jesus will heal me when I get sick."
Then things turned bad. And while I won't go into detail---wait! This happened in front of the whole freaking ward, so who cares if I blog it now! My dear son goes up and bares a confessional testimony where he talks about how the devil is winning a battle inside him and he's making wrong choices and ... (and pretty soon it sounds like he is the anti-Christ when as far as I can tell he hasn't done anything wrong other than be a teenage boy). But by the way he was talking, it sounded like he was so freaking bad.
And that's when I lost it. I rarely cry, but when I do, I can't stop. I couldn't stop crying. I told somebody, the first person I could find, that I was leaving and they needed to find a piano player for primary. I went home with Son and had a talk, then got in the bath and read An Immovable Feast by Ernest Hemingway and kept crying. Why the tears? Because it is more than a little humiliating to have a Son struggle so publicly. Which brings me to another point. Is the church really helping us out here? Because I'm pretty sure the guilt he feels is futile, counter productive, and just nonsense. It is obvious to me that he feels like he is the worst person in the world, when in actuality he is not doing drugs, not having sex, not looking at porn, and is a fabulous son. And if church is making us all feel horrible, what is the point? Why even go?
My wild side is rising.
So I'm having this battle within me: my life isn't what I want it to be. I feel like shit. I don't know how to stop feeling like shit. Winter is coming which means a lot more feeling like shit.
How crazy can I go? Because I haven't felt this crazy since I planned to put all the kids in the mini van and drive to Prince Edward Island in the dead of winter. Instead of driving to P.E.I. that time, I bought a house in Daybreak. Seriously? I chose the Truman Show over a scary and frightening adventure? Damn.
I would like to go deeply, insanely crazy.
Live in the desert.
Eat dust.
Drink puddles.
Crawl on all fours.
Howl.
Who is coming with me?
20 comments:
Ericka- I am sorry that life sucks right now. Really sorry.
This makes me feel sad because guilt is such a bothersome, soppy, groveling feeling, and I think I find myself coming up against it far too often. I'm so glad that you took your son home to talk to him though. Have you listened to the Mormon Matters podcast on motherhood? there is also one on guilt I believe. Also, do you read ZenHabits? It has done me some good to kick guilt in the butt. I'm coming to Utah for the next couple weeks, I wish I could somehow see you.
No one in the ward worth knowing thinks you're a bad mother or Harrison is a bad son. I am sorry that Harrison feels guilty. I am also sorry that church isn't a comforter for you. It's okay, Mom. You've got this. I love you.
Sometimes church is uplifting and sometimes it is exactly the opposite.
Sometimes guilt is a useful feeling and sometimes it is completely useless.
All of us have the devil inside, battling us. Sometimes it does feel like he is winning.
Here is what I know:
You are a wonderful mother. You care about your kids and want what's best for them. Because of this you have amazing kids.
Winter sucks. Depression hits hard. But, just like Anne said, You've Got This!
Maybe we need to schedule a Plummer Girls trip to help us all with our Winter Sucks depression.
I'll come with you! Erica, Im sooo sorry! Can I come give you a hug?! And for what its worth, I thought Harrions testimony was beautiful. Real and honest, and I can relate... to the both of you! I say we just take off the next 3 weeks and go live at the cabin! Are you in?!
Erica, first of all...I love you. I love your family. I think you are an incredible mom, and I think Harrison is a great kid. It made me sad to see you so upset on Sunday. I've had days like that at church too...where I leave sobbing and feeling hateful and angry, when I should leave feeling uplifted and peaceful.
(By the way, I'm pretty sure I know the person who is bashing on your piano playing skills, and I am deeply sorry that you have to work with that person. That person has often made me feel stabby at church)
I guess what I am trying to say is that I have been there. Dark days, dark months, hell... even dark years. Ones that make you want to run away, eat dirt and drink puddles. But don't go, sweetie. Because you are so loved right where you are.
P.S. I'm with Kelly. Let's just escape to the wilderness for a few weeks!
Dear Mama Bear- You love Harrison so much. You want to protect him from narrow minds and tongue waggers! Most of all you want him to be happy. That is what I heard. Love you.
So sorry you are feeling down right now. For what it is worth, I loved Harrison's testimony because it was sincere and real. He's a good kid! I'm happy to play for you any time. Why don't you let me take over for a while so you can sort things out. Just give me the word.
i love you.
ps- i just built a yurt in the desert. it's round and nest-like. come visit me any time. you can howl as much as you want :)
The great thing about going through horrible times is seeing how much EVERYONE LOVES LOVES LOVES the PLUMMERS! SO Sorry you are so sad. When I think of Harrison, I think of the boy that asked all the deacons to bring me dinner. How many 14 yr old boys would think of that! For what its worth, I would love to go howl with you. I'll even see if I can get some laughing gas to put in my oxy tanks. I know that would take the pain away for awhile anyway.....and I'll share.
I think it's time for all of us to get together with helium balloons and breathe deeply.
I would love you for a mother.
OR you could apply for a job at an International School and move to an exotic place: The Hague, Vienna or Abi Dhabi? Time to bust out.
Charles can freelance anywhere. I didn't mean you should go alone.
And I want to go too.
Come to Arizona, my dear. The sun is shining and I am lonely and we didn't get to see you hardly at all while we were there. Come take a hot air balloon ride over West Wing Mountain. I'll make cookies. Stop looking at Pinterest. Louie says, "Erica? I want to play cars with her."
Yes. I, too, vote for you to move here to Arizona. We can teach next door to each other at Highland High. I've thought about this post all week, Erica, and I think you're a wonderful lady.
to long=didn't read it. :D
MIRA!
Well sorry. gees doesn't any one around here no I HATE READING. MOM said the s word and noone is yelling at her about it. :P
Erica,
Take a break from Church, you can be spiritual at home.
Lacy
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