Muse and Whine for Winter

1. My father had a heart attack two weeks ago today. After some procedures that I don't wholly understand which involve arteries and expansion instruments along with some new medications, my father is fine. Now when the phone rings I feel a moment of panic. It could be about my Dad, and he could be dead and that would be awful. I wouldn't have predicted a heart attack. He is the healthiest 67 year old I know. He is thin. His muscles haven't turned to sag like all the other men his age. He is tan in winter. He is not even grey. He will still get on the floor and play with a dog and get under a car and fix whatever cars have that need to be fixed. I don't want him to die because I love him. And I hate that I'm even thinking about these things. 

2. My University is really starting to get to me. I can't stand the people who play the stupid piano in the wilk at nine-thirty in the morning. Wednesday I walked into the bathroom and saw a student on the couch using a breast pump and reading the scriptures. Today I heard a student say, "I love Now and Laters, they are such a climax." Go get a real climax, I wanted to say. Then I heard a student talking on their cell phone, "The first thing I wanted to tell him was, you need to repent and the second thing I wanted to tell him was, you're freaking stupid." I feel that real balance could be brought to the school if everyone had a climax and a cigarette. At the same time. 

3. I am at the point in the semester when I come home and my head hurts and my neck and shoulders are tight and it's easy to cry. Swimming is saving my life. It has this strange power to make me feel that I can get through the day joyfully and bravely and with dignity. 

4. I love pleasant grove. I had to drive to PG high to give Anne's old German teacher some application materials (she is applying to go to Germany for her Junior year...cry, heave, fit, cry) and I have rarely been in such a beautiful place. Pleasant Grove is nestled against the mountains, looks onto the lake, the old houses are still standing in all their glory and I can't help but fancy living there 100 years ago. All I would need is a house and a horse...so I could get to the lake. 

5. Super thankful that I married Charles. Life would just be too awful if he weren't part of this awfulness with me.