Missing Anne in a Particular Way

Anne is my favorite person to discuss matters spiritual. And she is gone. I feel this lack, this particular brand of loneliness.

Anne and I err on the side of being mystics. My Grandmother and Aunt found and find God communicating through birds, weather, insects, and flowers. This Fall I saw hawk after hawk in the sky or perched on a fence next to the freeway on my way home from school. These hawks, I felt, were there just for me, so that I would know God loves me. I haven't told anyone about the Hawks until now; if Anne were here I would have told her. Her eyes would have gotten wide with wonder. We would have celebrated God in each other's eyes.

Neither of us are driven by guilt or what other people think of us. If we do something bad, we own it, change it, and move on. We change because we love God, not because we are afraid, or want a prize.

We also think obedience is really important. Anne put up a sign one day that said, "when you almost keep a commandment, you almost receive a blessing." She put up the sign, not so much because she is seeking blessings, but because she understands that being obedient should not be haphazard, or sloppy. This doesn't mean that we are always perfectly obedient. We have our failings. But we do really try. We also keep things in perspective, not letting ourselves get overwhelmed with a gazilion, million, commandments which lead to constant fretting. For instance, dyed purple hair wouldn't phase us, boys long hair is cute, Dr. Pepper is dumb but yum. Here are my questions. Am I kind? Am I honest? Am I chaste? Are the basics in check...going to church, paying tithes, fasting? Have I kept enough of the world at bay so that my soul is a pure place for God to dwell? Anne and my determination for wether we are righteous is not a checklist, but the spirit. But I think we both know that the checklist and the spirit are connected.

I think the perspective of being both really mystical and really obedient is somehow unusual. I know mystics, I like them, but the obedience factor often evades them. I know the rigidly obedient and they bug me because God gets reduced to a can of soda, or ones length of hair, and I think God is much, much, greater than that. But I also don't like tampering with sabbath days, morality, the sacrament, church sessions, tithes, or fasting. I see the blessings in going to the temple, praying, scriptures. Those all seem important.

Loving my Charles, whole-heartedly, is for me, the holiest expression of love for God.

Anyway, I wish Anne were here. Because if she was, I would tell her what I learned about the atonement this Fall, because I had a particular brand of suffering, which led to a particular knowledge of the atonement. I would tell her about the hawks. I would talk to her about the decisions before me, and my process for making sure that my will is aligned with God's.